You might be more confident than you think

How I came to rethink what it means to be confident

Many people who know me think of me as confident.

I can see why: it’s in how I talk, the way I socialise, maybe even what I wear. Underneath all that, though, those who get a bit closer quickly learn that I’m actually wracked with self-doubt and uncertainty and can tend to a very negative self-talk. But most people don’t see that, or even want to believe it if I point it out.

I get it. Like many people, I used to think of celebrities and other visibly successful people as undoubtedly confident. I mean, they have to be, right? Or how else do they engage their audience and the wider public as often and as assuredly as they do? Sure, they talk in interviews about their struggles with confidence, but I used to interpret that as them just trying to be relatable to the rest of us normies.

Over the last few years, I’ve been seeing it all differently, and that all began with making a shift.

When people tell you who you are…

Maya Angelou famously said, “When people show you who they are, believe them”. Well, my first shift was slightly different: it was learning to believe when people I respect told me how they saw me, and especially the good stuff.

Consider how we respond when people say things about us. We tend to be sceptical when people compliment us, but we’re quick to believe criticisms. Even as simple a compliment as, “Your jumper is nice!” gets a response like, “Aw, this old thing? I’ve had it for years!” We usually mean it as a bit of faux modesty, sure, but over time our scepticism can seep in, and we start to believe it. Even with more serious things like doubting people who love us when they describe us as beautiful, or smart, or confident.

I’ve been trying a different approach in the last couple years, one rooted in trust. I wrote a bit about that in my essay on therapists as mirrors for our minds, but it comes down to this:

It makes no logical sense to respect people’s judgment only to discount it when they say complimentary things about me.